Anger – Constructive or Destructive?
According to The Secret Language of Feelings – (TSLF) by Cal Banyan founder of 5-Path Hypnosis, anger is the feeling (or fear) that something is unfair.
You can almost see that little child inside you stomping his/her little foot (maybe with hands on hips – that was my style) and saying, “That’s not fair!”
However, at a very young age, most of us are told to stop showing our anger – it wasn’t civilized or grown up to show your anger. In fact, in many cases, it was taboo – a big no-no. And we very much wanted to be grown up, so we held our anger in like good little boys and girls. The problem is that we often are not taught how to constructively deal with our anger. And not dealing with our anger can be very destructive.
In my last blog I stated that ALL feelings are good – so then am I saying that anger is good?
You bet I am!
Anger in and of itself is good. It’s how we express (or don’t express) it that is not always good.
We can express our anger, as I did the other day when I was just getting more and more angry by little things and finally exploded at a cashier who was totally unhelpful and rather belligerent (or that is how I saw her), or we stuff it inside. And, much to the chagrin of my 13-year-old granddaughter I lost my cool and destructively expressed my anger. I walked out feeling better, but I am sure I left a bad aura for the rest of the store patrons. I also felt that there was no way I could walk into that store again.
How could I, an educated, over 60-year-old businesswoman lose her cool?
Easily! It happened when I held my anger in and held my anger in and held it in some more. It either eats you alive, or it bursts out at an inopportune moment like mine did.
Anger doesn’t just go away!
No, anger doesn’t just go away or disappear – it goes inside and finds a nice place to hide out until it can come out play havoc in your life.
Anger demands to be dealt with – positively or negatively – it will be dealt with.
The first step to deal with anger is to look at it and see if it is based in reality. Ask yourself these questions: Am I really angry? Am I really feeling that something is unfair? Am I really in fear? If not, then it is a good time to talk yourself down and discover what is really going on. It could be simply frustration.
According to TSLF go through the 3 following steps:
- Ask yourself if you are truly feeling anger or something else.
- If angry, look for the cause
- Ask yourself what would be a satisfying response.
So, in my case, using the TSLF model, I think I was frustrated and overly tired and needed to just sit down and meditate on my belly button for a while.
Does anger have a real purpose?
Anger has a definite purpose, and it may even save your life.
Imagine if you never got angry how you might be exploited, taken advantage of, and never really be safe. Anger can even be your motivator for social change. Think of the civil rights movement. Anger can help the less fortunate be heard.
According to Psychology Today (January/February 2015), anger can be a great way to get what you want out of life. The point is to use your anger as a means to not be taken advantage of, and at the same time, not allow it to get out of control – Constructive vs. Destructive.
Anger can actually boost confidence, optimism and can be a signal to others of your inner strength. Sometimes anger can even make you more credible. It’s all in how you use this power.
Think about it, if you always stuff your anger and never say what you are feeling, how can problems be solved, changes made, relationships built.
In my hypnotherapy chair I hear more pain come out as suppressed anger. The little girl who was molested, the little boy who felt unworthy, the man who felt rejected by women, the woman whose promotion was given to another, the child who was made to stay with people she didn’t want to be with – and it goes on and on. In the hypno-chair, the anger is released. And also released are the abusive distractions they have used to stuff the pain. Distractions such as over-eating, gambling, drinking, smoking, nail biting, and all the many ways we use “too much” destructive behavior.
If you are feel that you may have suppressed anger that is affecting you living the life you deserve, experiencing joy to its fullest, living free of pain and painful events, then hypnosis may be just what you are looking for. Contact me for a free Discovery Session and find out if hypnosis might help you.
I recently saw an article that also shows how anger can be even spiritual.